That tricky parent-child-adult loop
How to get out of it and become more self aware
Dear everyone,
Lately, I have been spending lots of time on Twitter, following many fine minds as they think out loud and share fantastic ideas. Being relatively new there, I feel like a kid in a candy store: So much idea-candy to try.
An hour passes, and I have since forgotten why I even logged in in the first place. Why?
Let’s track back for a second.
You’ve probably heard of this idea before.
Our minds are home to three distinct voices:
the parent
the child
and the adult.
The concept comes from Transactional Analysis, a theory in psychotherapy that helps identify recurring patterns in human behaviour.
So what do the parent, child, and adult voices say, and why does that matter?
Here’s a simplified explanation:
The child wants, and it gets.
It’s driven by curiosity and desire. If it doesn’t get, it complains. It might even break stuff. It doesn’t know self-control.
The parent reprimands and punishes.
It’s self-righteous, and can be condemning. It’s got high expectations.
“You always do this…”
“You never listen…”
“How could you be so ____?”
You get the idea. It tends to demand too much self control.
The adult voice is balanced and reasonable. It understands.
It’s how we might comfort a friend after they’ve made a mistake.
“It’s okay, sh*t happens. Don’t beat yourself up.”
The adult gets it. It doesn’t judge.
All three voices work within us at different times, and triggered by situations.
Personal examples:
The child.
It doesn’t matter how many unread books sit in my Kindle library, the moment I see a big price drop in my wishlist, I’m so tempted to buy it.
They call it a ‘felt concept.’ Meaning, the child is really innocent - it just follows the feeling. Whenever I feel upset because I don’t get something I really want, it’s often the child in me.
The parent.
Well, I am a parent, and I hate to admit this - my expectations can get the better of me, and frequently do. I almost instantly regret it but it’s like a pre-set reaction.
The parent voice is a ‘taught concept.’ Sadly, many of us were taught this way as kids, and it may take years or decades to unlearn.
The adult.
Being reasonable is a learned concept. Isn’t that encouraging?
For me, during an upset, sometimes it just takes a few deep breaths and thinking out loud. By expressing the problem clearly, I find myself looking for a solution in a more reasonable way.
We can learn to rely on the inner adult voice by invoking it when the other two are out of control.
This is the part I want to emphasize on.
Let’s say, you find yourself standing before the open fridge and thinking,
I don’t remember why I opened the door, but now that I’m here, I’ll eat something.
That’s probably the inner child who’s often ‘hungry.’
Instead, put a little sticky note in the fridge that says: “Adults only.”
Suppose you’re spending too much time on social media. You don’t realize when getting sucked in but at some point you’re going to notice it.
That’s the time to say:
“The adult in me is here now. What would I rather be doing at this moment?”
The adult within will gently point the way. No blaming, angry parent needed.
Invoking the adult doesn’t take effort.
It’s not about self-control or resisting anything. It’s just about becoming aware.
When we sit down to eat, when we unconsciously grab the phone, when we enter the candy-store (or the amazon wishlist), it just takes becoming aware.
We say hello to the inner adult and we become conscious of how the inner child wants to take over.
Becoming aware gets easier as we ask for the adult’s help more and more.
The more we do, we realize how much of our behaviour is just a set of unconscious programs triggered by situations.
By becoming conscious we find it easier to get off the willpower-and-subsequent-guilt cycle. The power of consciousness starts to take care of it effortlessly. Try it today.
Thank you for reading!
If you found this helpful, please share it with a couple of friends.
Feel free to say hello or follow me on Twitter :)
